There are times in life when the highest honor, the greatest love is paid to another by simply bearing witness to his or her experience. Bearing witness is largely nonverbal. It is the choice to give the gift of a pure expression of love and respect — being a compassionate observer to the unfolding of another person’s life or a particular moment or event. In a really good marriage, two people bear witness to the fullness of one another’s life experiences — in good times and bad.
When we bear witness, we lovingly give our attention to the other without judgment. We comfort without smothering. We play a supporting role — powerfully upholding the other starring in his or her life. It is not about us. It is about them. Yet, we make a profound decision when we do not try to fix their pain and suffering or share in their experience by telling how we had a similar experience. Bearing witness says, “You are not alone. I see you. I witness what you are experiencing. What you are experiencing matters to me. I surround you with my love.”
When someone we love is hurting or dying, it is easy to feel helpless and to want to somehow end the suffering by fixing the situation. These are often the times that call us to a higher response — to simply bear witness to another person’s life journey — not to engage in it, but to stand beside them in loving support. The focus is not to make the pain go away, but rather to let that person know that they are not alone and that we trust them to do whatever it is they need to do to go through that particular experience. Sometimes, this is best done in silence. I think that is the best thing I can do for my patients and friends. I have learned to get myself out of the way. Sometimes just showing up says it all.
I am currently in the process of bearing witness to my dear friend who has battled ovarian cancer for the last year and has just recently lost her 35 year old son because of a heart condition. She has been one of my greatest teachers of wisdom in the not-for-profit world. She has given me advise to help our grass-roots foundation grow as well as offered many ideas about how survivors can help support other survivors in our organization. Despite my own experiences of grief; her grief at this point is unimaginable to me but I can bear witness to her experience and walk beside her. I want her to know she doesn't have to walk the this journey alone.
For those of you who struggle with going to see a sick or dying friend or relative that is grieving because you just don’t know what to say or do, try just showing up and bearing witness. Often, it is our own discomfort and the feeling of helplessness that we are avoiding by not going into these situations. Sometimes we forget that our job is not to fix the situation at hand (especially hard for a nurse), but rather to help lift the burden of the other person by letting them know we care enough to show up. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, it is important that we show up for each other.
Amy Gundelach RN
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Moving On Life with Cancer
Moving house is tough. When you have a dog, a cat and 300 boxes it’s even tougher. What’s surprising, though, is that it’s a lot like having cancer. Why? Because both take you into unfamiliar territory. For instance, when I heard the word “cancer” come out of my doctor’s mouth I burst into tears, and then cried for another two months. The same thing happened when my husband told me he wanted us to leave New Mexico. With cancer, I was thrust into a totally unfamiliar world: new clinics; doctors I didn’t know existed and a world of chemicals I couldn’t even pronounce.
In the same way, a new town has meant new people, new physicians and, yes, even new chemicals: Trichloro-s-triazinetrione, and Hydroxyethylidane-1 to name but a few - just to keep my pool running! During treatment, I’d been around for a while, I got recognized in the clinic, I met friends at support groups, I knew the medical terms that once used to be gobbledygook. I started to feel comfortable in my new surroundings.
In the same way, I’m now waving to my new neighbors, not having to use the sun to navigate back home, and learning how to pronounce all the new Native American names. My new life is starting to feel familiar. But then comes survivorship - the hardest part. It’s the start of a long grieving process involving denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance. When my hair grew back I could act as if I’d never had cancer. When we were packing, I just pretended we were having a gigantic spring clean. Denial doesn’t help for very long though.
Finally, reality sets in and you head for the closet with a box of tissues. Then anger and depression take over. Did I get angry at my cancer, at life, for throwing me the cancer challenge? You betcha! Did I ask why, why, why should I be taken away from my family at such a young age? Sure. Did I feel so sad that at times I saw no future? Yes. Was I angry with my husband for wanting us to move, from the place I loved, to a place I thought I would hate? Yes, but let’s not tell him that! Was I depressed about leaving my friends, not being able to look out at the beautiful snow capped mountains, not being able to get around the grocery store without several hugs? Definitely. But while I know I will adjust to life in Richland, with cancer it’s a much longer journey.
I’m still grieving four years later: for not being the mom I want to be (the one that doesn’t have to take naps, and who can play soccer and roller skate for hours on end) and for the physical changes it has brought. Even though I don’t look it,
I’m still living with cancer and still working at being happy with it. But here’s what cancer taught me that made moving easier. Grief is inevitable and it’s OK. It’s the walk across the hall that opens the door when the one behind closes. What counts is making sure that you don’t hover in the hallway.
In my new town, I could glare at my husband every evening, not explore, just sit fondly reminiscing about New Mexico. Or instead, I could call back the neighbor who put herself out to bring cookies, call the Tri-City Tappers and see if they’ll adopt me like the Los Alamos senior tap group did, or play tennis with my children for as long as I can. Some people say that grieving allows us to forget the sadness. I’d rather say that grieving allows us to accept the sadness and move on. Maybe I don’t see snow-capped mountains out of my window any more, but two mules and a hill can be pretty beautiful, too.
Kay Kerbyson and her family recently moved to Richland, Wash. She is a local and national Cancer Advocate, an Inspirational Speaker and President/Founder of Ovarian Cancer Together! Inc., a non-profit 501(c)(3) state based networking and support organization. Kay can be contacted at Kay@ovariancancertogether.org or through her website www.ovariancancertogether.org This article has been reprinted with her permission.
In the same way, a new town has meant new people, new physicians and, yes, even new chemicals: Trichloro-s-triazinetrione, and Hydroxyethylidane-1 to name but a few - just to keep my pool running! During treatment, I’d been around for a while, I got recognized in the clinic, I met friends at support groups, I knew the medical terms that once used to be gobbledygook. I started to feel comfortable in my new surroundings.
In the same way, I’m now waving to my new neighbors, not having to use the sun to navigate back home, and learning how to pronounce all the new Native American names. My new life is starting to feel familiar. But then comes survivorship - the hardest part. It’s the start of a long grieving process involving denial, anger, depression and finally acceptance. When my hair grew back I could act as if I’d never had cancer. When we were packing, I just pretended we were having a gigantic spring clean. Denial doesn’t help for very long though.
Finally, reality sets in and you head for the closet with a box of tissues. Then anger and depression take over. Did I get angry at my cancer, at life, for throwing me the cancer challenge? You betcha! Did I ask why, why, why should I be taken away from my family at such a young age? Sure. Did I feel so sad that at times I saw no future? Yes. Was I angry with my husband for wanting us to move, from the place I loved, to a place I thought I would hate? Yes, but let’s not tell him that! Was I depressed about leaving my friends, not being able to look out at the beautiful snow capped mountains, not being able to get around the grocery store without several hugs? Definitely. But while I know I will adjust to life in Richland, with cancer it’s a much longer journey.
I’m still grieving four years later: for not being the mom I want to be (the one that doesn’t have to take naps, and who can play soccer and roller skate for hours on end) and for the physical changes it has brought. Even though I don’t look it,
I’m still living with cancer and still working at being happy with it. But here’s what cancer taught me that made moving easier. Grief is inevitable and it’s OK. It’s the walk across the hall that opens the door when the one behind closes. What counts is making sure that you don’t hover in the hallway.
In my new town, I could glare at my husband every evening, not explore, just sit fondly reminiscing about New Mexico. Or instead, I could call back the neighbor who put herself out to bring cookies, call the Tri-City Tappers and see if they’ll adopt me like the Los Alamos senior tap group did, or play tennis with my children for as long as I can. Some people say that grieving allows us to forget the sadness. I’d rather say that grieving allows us to accept the sadness and move on. Maybe I don’t see snow-capped mountains out of my window any more, but two mules and a hill can be pretty beautiful, too.
Kay Kerbyson and her family recently moved to Richland, Wash. She is a local and national Cancer Advocate, an Inspirational Speaker and President/Founder of Ovarian Cancer Together! Inc., a non-profit 501(c)(3) state based networking and support organization. Kay can be contacted at Kay@ovariancancertogether.org or through her website www.ovariancancertogether.org This article has been reprinted with her permission.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Remission is Possible! The War against Gynological Cancers!
Receiving a diagnosis of Cancer sets one on a curvy ride of emotions that is as unpredictable and individual as the person who receives it. You bravely face the challenges of surgery and chemotherapy and/or radiation and then trust in a medical team you just met. In the span of a few short months the medical team becomes your family, your heroes, and your lifeline back to a new reality. Following treatment you begin telling everyone that you are cured – but there remains a specter of doubt that creeps in often – what if it returns?
While you joke and laugh and say it was only a few messed up cells – you fear they will return in another area and threaten you once again. For many, that fear often becomes a reality and then with trepidation you undertake another round of treatment and hope this is the time that you are finally free of those pesky cancer cells. You question the medical team, that wisely keeps you going through on-going tests, in order to monitor if those cells surface somewhere else in your body – always to fear when something goes askew and what it means. Like many cancer patients I too have gone through these ups and downs of this specter called cancer. It was just recently that James Romero, the Nurse Practioner at the Women’s Cancer Center, finally threw me the life-ring that I had not previously found in my 4 year battle with cancer. I never really thought of the treatments, surgery, follow-up tests, or on-going appointments as a battle until recently. James wisely pointed out that Cancer, like so many other human diseases (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis, addictions, to name a few) is one of many issues that all humans face. Everyone has some sort of issue they deal with – they just need to find a balance between acceptance and the responsibility of handling the issues -- instead of the issue handling them.
My medical team has been with me and supported me every step of the way, often doing
things which, I was brought to realize, were at the forefront of the battle, training me to be responsive and war ready for this on-going battle. Oh we reach remission – we call ourselves Survivors —– but do we really do all we can to be sure we fight this war? Do we train, speak out, look for medical breakthroughs, keep up with friends, family and other cancer patients to be sure that we constantly remind ourselves we are not alone in this battle? If not, reach out and do so — for it is only in the partnerships that we form we can truly win the battle against Cancer!! Help with fund raising for others, be part of a support group, push for more research
funding, be a shoulder to lean on for someone newly diagnosed or touched by Cancer.
My sister thanked me the other day for helping her understand that a Cancer patient’s biggest need is to have someone to talk with, laugh with, and remind them that everyone has issues. To pull the patient out of the dark cloud of fear and back into the light and be amongst the living. Everyone is touched in some way by Cancer, maybe as a patient, a family member, a co-worker, or as a neighbor. James Romero, CNP, helped me realize that I have found my balance in life and in this battle against Cancer. Not only as a patient who confronts the enemy of (Cancer) by seeking treatment, but by being the person who speaks openly and often to others about my experience. I reach out to others when they begin the journey of fear from “what does this test mean?” to “what is going to happen next?” But most importantly I try to be both open and loving, and be there to listen when someone just needs a lifeline out of the fear that comes with CANCER.
I have been very blessed with a truly loving, generous, and supportive husband as my caretaker and a medical team who constantly stands ready to assist me in my training and support in the war on Cancer. I have learned new ways to fight insurance companies, learned medical terms that I never knew existed, and found that hospitals and doctors can become family. I keep track of my blood counts, test results, and my general health in ways I never knew or thought about before – all as part of my training for battle. Just as medical personnel, military, fire-fighters and first responders train constantly to be ready when called, so I train by realizing that Cancer is my health issue and I can do much in the healthy times to fight and be ready for when cells go askew and new tumors arise that need serious blasting. One of my esteemed oncologists told me that as patients and caregivers dealing with this enemy (Cancer), we can cause you to become the “Walking Wounded”, since, as life takes a serious hit, the reality of our daily lives takes on new turns and fears. We are most like those who have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). He reminded me that, while in remission, this new reality brings its own stress. Then with a warm hug he reminded my husband and I, that this new reality is not so bad or fearful, just different and to embrace it fully – until lighting strikes us again. While medical protocols in treatments have made great advancements in recent years, the best magic is love, laughter and a positive attitude – that is the magic treatment that no doctor, hospital, or pharmaceutical company can put into a pill or shot – but does much in winning the battle. Those wins are the ones oncology medical personnel, patients and caregivers celebrate and hope for every single day.
We are all survivors in one way or another – we may be cured at this point in time or we may get hit with another problem or have this enemy confront us once again --- either way, continue your training (monitor your health, keep up with the testing, keep in contact with your medical team, enjoy your daily life in this new reality), and know you have Cancer as
your issue – but it does not have you!!!!
By Kathy Courreges
While you joke and laugh and say it was only a few messed up cells – you fear they will return in another area and threaten you once again. For many, that fear often becomes a reality and then with trepidation you undertake another round of treatment and hope this is the time that you are finally free of those pesky cancer cells. You question the medical team, that wisely keeps you going through on-going tests, in order to monitor if those cells surface somewhere else in your body – always to fear when something goes askew and what it means. Like many cancer patients I too have gone through these ups and downs of this specter called cancer. It was just recently that James Romero, the Nurse Practioner at the Women’s Cancer Center, finally threw me the life-ring that I had not previously found in my 4 year battle with cancer. I never really thought of the treatments, surgery, follow-up tests, or on-going appointments as a battle until recently. James wisely pointed out that Cancer, like so many other human diseases (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis, addictions, to name a few) is one of many issues that all humans face. Everyone has some sort of issue they deal with – they just need to find a balance between acceptance and the responsibility of handling the issues -- instead of the issue handling them.
My medical team has been with me and supported me every step of the way, often doing
things which, I was brought to realize, were at the forefront of the battle, training me to be responsive and war ready for this on-going battle. Oh we reach remission – we call ourselves Survivors —– but do we really do all we can to be sure we fight this war? Do we train, speak out, look for medical breakthroughs, keep up with friends, family and other cancer patients to be sure that we constantly remind ourselves we are not alone in this battle? If not, reach out and do so — for it is only in the partnerships that we form we can truly win the battle against Cancer!! Help with fund raising for others, be part of a support group, push for more research
funding, be a shoulder to lean on for someone newly diagnosed or touched by Cancer.
My sister thanked me the other day for helping her understand that a Cancer patient’s biggest need is to have someone to talk with, laugh with, and remind them that everyone has issues. To pull the patient out of the dark cloud of fear and back into the light and be amongst the living. Everyone is touched in some way by Cancer, maybe as a patient, a family member, a co-worker, or as a neighbor. James Romero, CNP, helped me realize that I have found my balance in life and in this battle against Cancer. Not only as a patient who confronts the enemy of (Cancer) by seeking treatment, but by being the person who speaks openly and often to others about my experience. I reach out to others when they begin the journey of fear from “what does this test mean?” to “what is going to happen next?” But most importantly I try to be both open and loving, and be there to listen when someone just needs a lifeline out of the fear that comes with CANCER.
I have been very blessed with a truly loving, generous, and supportive husband as my caretaker and a medical team who constantly stands ready to assist me in my training and support in the war on Cancer. I have learned new ways to fight insurance companies, learned medical terms that I never knew existed, and found that hospitals and doctors can become family. I keep track of my blood counts, test results, and my general health in ways I never knew or thought about before – all as part of my training for battle. Just as medical personnel, military, fire-fighters and first responders train constantly to be ready when called, so I train by realizing that Cancer is my health issue and I can do much in the healthy times to fight and be ready for when cells go askew and new tumors arise that need serious blasting. One of my esteemed oncologists told me that as patients and caregivers dealing with this enemy (Cancer), we can cause you to become the “Walking Wounded”, since, as life takes a serious hit, the reality of our daily lives takes on new turns and fears. We are most like those who have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). He reminded me that, while in remission, this new reality brings its own stress. Then with a warm hug he reminded my husband and I, that this new reality is not so bad or fearful, just different and to embrace it fully – until lighting strikes us again. While medical protocols in treatments have made great advancements in recent years, the best magic is love, laughter and a positive attitude – that is the magic treatment that no doctor, hospital, or pharmaceutical company can put into a pill or shot – but does much in winning the battle. Those wins are the ones oncology medical personnel, patients and caregivers celebrate and hope for every single day.
We are all survivors in one way or another – we may be cured at this point in time or we may get hit with another problem or have this enemy confront us once again --- either way, continue your training (monitor your health, keep up with the testing, keep in contact with your medical team, enjoy your daily life in this new reality), and know you have Cancer as
your issue – but it does not have you!!!!
By Kathy Courreges
Friday, November 26, 2010
Swing for Joy--A Survivorship Celebration 2010
On September 25th, 2010 we held our first annual Swing for Joy—A Survivorship Celebration at the Hard Rock Hotel. It was a HUGE success! The room was beautiful, the entertainment was fun and inspiring. I would love to THANK all who attended the Gala or participated in our golf tournament. GCAP sends special thanks to the family of Margaret Eustace for the success of the golf tournament. It would not have been possible without their guidance and motivation. The silent auction and sponsorships for Swing for Joy, displayed the care, concern and generosity of New Mexico businesses and art communities for our special cancer community. GCAP is very thankful for their gracious support of our efforts. Their sharing was not only given in items or money but in gestures and words of encouragement that will not only sustain the GCAP mission and vision but has set-the-stage for GCAP to grow and be seen! Thank you to Guadalupe Daniel Ramirez and his entire team who put on a fabulous fashion show! We had so many volunteers that helped on the day of the event, who worked behind the scenes to make everything run seamlessly! Janet Longhurst, Roberta Carlson, Sandra Sanchez, Barbara Burrows, Kathy Courreges, Valerie Eustace, Joan Punt, Keith Porter, Karen Girvan and the Albuquerque Civitans to name a few. I’m sorry I didn’t mention everyone but ALL of you were needed and appreciated!!! We would like to especially THANK Luis Padilla Paz M.D. It is because of his unyielding support, knowledge and care that the Gynecological Cancer Awareness Project will be able to assist GYN cancer patients across New Mexico in 2011. To symbolize our gratitude, we presented Dr. Padilla with a quilt, handmade by his patients. Each square depicts their own journey through cancer while the entire quilt is a representation of all the women he has dedicated his life to help each and every day. The quilt will be on display in our office, hopefully, this Spring. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of Swing for Joy-- A Survivorship Celebration! We are already planning our 2nd annual event. SAVE the DATE September 24th, 2011.
So how much money did all of this hard work generate? $27,000! What do we plan to do with the money? The lending library had been founded this past year with the vision and encouragement of Kay Haney PhD., to bring educational support to specifically the GYN cancer patient population. The Kay Haney Library represents the love and passion she had for education. One way your generosity will benefit the patients early in 2011, is to grow our little bookshelf into a large collection of books and to get a library management computer program to keep better track of the collection. We plan to host a speaker series, maybe put together a run/walk and support the Clever Senoras with their social activities. Stay tuned to our
newsletters and mailings to see more about the projects and plans GCAP will be providing our patients and their caregivers in 2011.
Finally, I need to THANK the Oncology Nursing Society and Carlin Callaway for the support and mentorship provided during my fellowship in their Leadership Development Institute (LDI). It was in a LDI conference 14 months ago that the idea for GCAP came to me. I had 2 goals…one was to do “something” for the patients in our office and the other was…it would ‘go on’ after the fellowship was complete. You can see that we have done amazing things in that short amount of time! We have generated a total of $40,000 and helped many, many women. I look forward to doing more and seeing what else we can accomplish.
By Amy Gundelach RN, BSN, OCN
Founder and Executive Director
The Gynecological Cancer Awareness Project
So how much money did all of this hard work generate? $27,000! What do we plan to do with the money? The lending library had been founded this past year with the vision and encouragement of Kay Haney PhD., to bring educational support to specifically the GYN cancer patient population. The Kay Haney Library represents the love and passion she had for education. One way your generosity will benefit the patients early in 2011, is to grow our little bookshelf into a large collection of books and to get a library management computer program to keep better track of the collection. We plan to host a speaker series, maybe put together a run/walk and support the Clever Senoras with their social activities. Stay tuned to our
newsletters and mailings to see more about the projects and plans GCAP will be providing our patients and their caregivers in 2011.
Finally, I need to THANK the Oncology Nursing Society and Carlin Callaway for the support and mentorship provided during my fellowship in their Leadership Development Institute (LDI). It was in a LDI conference 14 months ago that the idea for GCAP came to me. I had 2 goals…one was to do “something” for the patients in our office and the other was…it would ‘go on’ after the fellowship was complete. You can see that we have done amazing things in that short amount of time! We have generated a total of $40,000 and helped many, many women. I look forward to doing more and seeing what else we can accomplish.
By Amy Gundelach RN, BSN, OCN
Founder and Executive Director
The Gynecological Cancer Awareness Project
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