There are times in life when the highest honor, the greatest love is paid to another by simply bearing witness to his or her experience. Bearing witness is largely nonverbal. It is the choice to give the gift of a pure expression of love and respect — being a compassionate observer to the unfolding of another person’s life or a particular moment or event. In a really good marriage, two people bear witness to the fullness of one another’s life experiences — in good times and bad.
When we bear witness, we lovingly give our attention to the other without judgment. We comfort without smothering. We play a supporting role — powerfully upholding the other starring in his or her life. It is not about us. It is about them. Yet, we make a profound decision when we do not try to fix their pain and suffering or share in their experience by telling how we had a similar experience. Bearing witness says, “You are not alone. I see you. I witness what you are experiencing. What you are experiencing matters to me. I surround you with my love.”
When someone we love is hurting or dying, it is easy to feel helpless and to want to somehow end the suffering by fixing the situation. These are often the times that call us to a higher response — to simply bear witness to another person’s life journey — not to engage in it, but to stand beside them in loving support. The focus is not to make the pain go away, but rather to let that person know that they are not alone and that we trust them to do whatever it is they need to do to go through that particular experience. Sometimes, this is best done in silence. I think that is the best thing I can do for my patients and friends. I have learned to get myself out of the way. Sometimes just showing up says it all.
I am currently in the process of bearing witness to my dear friend who has battled ovarian cancer for the last year and has just recently lost her 35 year old son because of a heart condition. She has been one of my greatest teachers of wisdom in the not-for-profit world. She has given me advise to help our grass-roots foundation grow as well as offered many ideas about how survivors can help support other survivors in our organization. Despite my own experiences of grief; her grief at this point is unimaginable to me but I can bear witness to her experience and walk beside her. I want her to know she doesn't have to walk the this journey alone.
For those of you who struggle with going to see a sick or dying friend or relative that is grieving because you just don’t know what to say or do, try just showing up and bearing witness. Often, it is our own discomfort and the feeling of helplessness that we are avoiding by not going into these situations. Sometimes we forget that our job is not to fix the situation at hand (especially hard for a nurse), but rather to help lift the burden of the other person by letting them know we care enough to show up. In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, it is important that we show up for each other.
Amy Gundelach RN
